Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I Watched Blake Griffin Handle Justin Bieber

Disclaimer:  Everything you read here may or may not have happened.  This post is merely for grins and giggles and probably didn't really happen.

Blake moments before Bieber's shirtless meltdown
I was there to see the whole thing unfold.  It was rather impressive.  I had just finished a morning run and decided to stop in at the Starbucks close to my apartment when I noticed an unassuming man sitting in the corner enjoying what appeared to be a warm beverage.  There were several other guests scattered around reading news papers and playing with iPads. 
After checking out with the cashier I notice a disturbance behind me and as I look through the glass I see several men clearing a path for a short white male.  He didn't appear large in stature and almost looked a bit androgynous due to his underdeveloped chest and feminine facial structure - made even more obvious due to his lack of a shirt and up

As the commotion outside the store grew, he quickly made his way in and headed directly towards the cashier who seemed to know who he was.  "Mr. Bieber, how may I help you?"  Immediately, I realized I was in for a show considering his reputation and recent legal issues in Canada.  I grabbed my latte and stepped back a few feet as to keep my field of vision on his entire entourage at once.  I heard him mumble something to the cashier and she responded to telling him all guests are required to wear a shirt inside the establishment.

Seemingly upset, Mr. Bieber began crying and threw a small tantrum.  Initially, what appeared to be a seizure turned out to be him choking on his own snot bubbles.  At some point, he dropped to the floor and began rotating around in a circle with an occasional pause to stomp his feet and strike a B-Boy pose.  Several camera phones captured the moment, but his security force quickly blocked their views.  Eventually, he returned to his feet and yelled something incoherent before mentioning his body guard would level the building.

Suddenly, a giant shadow was cast from behind me and as I rotated around a red blur quickly passed by my face.  Either the subject was moving extremely fast, or it was also wearing a cape.

Although Mr. Bieber's security force was comprised of mostly large men, they were easily moved to the side by the large red figure; who appeared to have superhuman strength.  As Mr. Bieber was in mid-sentence he was quickly grabbed by the red blur and raised off the ground.  Although the red blur's back was to me, I could see the look of terror on Bieber's face.  There were no words, only silence as Mr. Bieber was suspended 4 feet from the floor.

As seconds ticked by, the red blur pulled Mr. Bieber closer to his face, whispered something in his ear and placed him back on the floor.  The red blur then stood motionless with his arms crossed over Bieber then almost as if hypnotized, smacked himself in the face.

The smack  was so violent the sound resonated throughout the entire Starbucks and put Mr. Bieber into a spin before toppling to the floor [after the incident patrons said he did a 360, but considering my vantage point, I'm counting the additional 180 roll after he hit the floor for a grand 540 degree rotation following the smack.]

The moment he went down, the place became a vacuum and looked like a giant game of adult freeze tag.  About 15 seconds after Biebs went down, the red blur simply said, "You're welcome," turned towards the door and proceeded to exit the building.  Just as he entered the doorway, he turned back to face the crowd and it was at that moment I realized the radiantly back lit subject was none other than the L.A. Clippers' Blake Griffin.  Before I could form the word "wow" on my lips, he was gone.

As for Mr. Bieber, he laid motionless on the floor for several minutes weeping as customers walked around him and continued to place orders.  Most of his security team exited the building, but one loyal employee placed a napkin over his face to maintain his dignity and to eliminate Instagram's server's from crashing.  I eventually left and am not sure exactly what became of him.


Disclaimer: Steve is an employee of Turner Broadcasting, a division of Time Warner, however the views expressed in this post are of my own.  This entirely fake story was all J's idea!

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