Friday, May 27, 2016

Movie Reivew: X-Men: Apocalypse

For Summer 2016, J and I are proud to introduce our brand new "Dialogue-Action" scale for movie reviews! Developed by our engineering department, this is patent pending technology so if you copy-paste then see you in court, buddy. Basically, I "Ok, Google" on my cell phone and the Dialogue-Action app uses the cell's microphone to listen to an entire movie and measure how often sh*t blows up. Here's the reading from X-Men: Apocalypse


So the flick slightly favored dialogue but, believe me, sh*t does blow up!

But sh*t really didn't have to blow up, literally or figuratively. Here are the Life Lessons and Takeaways from X-Men: Apocalypse to keep sh*t from blowing up in your own life:

1) Mind your own damned business.
The apocalypse would not have happened if Moira MacTaggert had just minded her own business but nooooo, she really, really wanted to see what was under that rug.

2) A man with nothing to lose is a very dangerous man.
That's my Captain Obvious moment for the day. But when a man full of anger anchors himself to find peace DO NOT REMOVE THAT ANCHOR! Because, trust me, a man unhinged will not have a crisis of conscience and you'll just have to just take whatever's coming to you.

3) Keep weak ninjas out your squad.
If you have a diabolical plan to serve as a walking monolith, butt-kicking civilization forward, then please do not recruit kids to help you. Or at least bring Flintstone band-aids and be sympathetic toward their boo-boos, you mean bastard.

Words of Wisdom) "And just because there's no war, that doesn't mean there's peace."
I don't remember who said it in the movie but that man is a prophet, yo.

How to handle an awkward moment)
'Apocalypse' really doesn't teach you how to handle awkward moments, so you're on your own there. But seeing a high school aged Jean Grey and a grown man Logan interacting seemed kinda, well, awkward.

------------------Spoiler Alert! If you read below this line then it's your own fault------------------

Jubilee does absolutely nothing. Not even so much as squeal. Damn you, Marvel. #AngryFist

Cat got your tongue?
Disclaimer: Steve is an employee of Turner Broadcasting, a division of Time Warner, however the views expressed in this post are of my own.

No comments:

Post a Comment

We appreciate your comment. Please continue to visit us in the future.